He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
