My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
