we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
