Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
