I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
