if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
