my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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