My sheets look like a crime scene.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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