I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
