Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
