i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
