come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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