I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
