Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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