see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
