She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
