I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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