Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
