i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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