Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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