I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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