chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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