I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I will die if light touches me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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