Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
