hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
