she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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