Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
