i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
