i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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