Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
