Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
