just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The uberlube is also flammable
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
