oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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