So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
