we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
well you can't waste a boner
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
