Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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