I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
