see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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