His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
