If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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