i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
