My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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