I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
