So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
