My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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