What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
