I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
