She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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