Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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