im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
