Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
