Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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